I am just an ordinary 50 year old woman who used to run away from love. Now that I have some tools to deal with intense situations, I no longer fear what I get from love, rather, love what I have and what I have to offer. Somehow, I understand this lesson differently now as I commit myself to the study of A Course In Miracle and the Practitioner’s Training by Paul and Jane. I become more conscious of my entire being, my daily interaction with people around me. Since this happened, all my relationships have miraculously improved.
About three years ago, I came to a lecture conducted by Paul and Jane. Although, I did not understand what was going on with me, somehow, something was telling me that I needed to look into my heart. I couldn’t stop crying. Then, through a friend, I got re-acquainted with Paul and Jane at their Wednesday night group meeting at the church. For the first three four months, I was quiet since I just wanted to observe the group, as well as the leaders. As time went on, I found myself trusting the environment more. And one evening in September, 2005, I opened up. Feeling all choked up but without a single tear, I told the group that I did not know what to do whenever love called. Most the time when I was aware of it I ran. I had a bad history of love relationships. I never loved my parents, however, up to that point, I had already been through hating them. My relationship with my family was superficial. I believed my family was using me all the time so I had to distance myself from them. For many years, I lived in total solitude, so I could make sure I was safe. Mistaken that I was peaceful, in fact, I was numbed out. What I thought was living was merely surviving.
Associating love with trouble since childhood, I feared for love. I believed that I was unwanted by my parents; I did not get much attention from them. I thought it was my fault that they had to struggle and fight. The world was not a friendly place because my father constantly got angry at me and beat me up. Since I wanted what I feared the most, I might as well live without it. The more I believed in that thought, the more I isolated my true self. There was a conflict, a constant battle… how could I ever achieve peace?
Through the first year of Practitioner’s Training, with the help of Paul and Jane, the wall of fear for love crumbled into pieces and I was brought to my knees. And my heart finally started beating, the living began. I was able to make choices again, to make myself vulnerable again, to be alive again, to live with uncertainty… Then, I met my future husband, Peter in the Wednesday evening group. I was shown that love enters when fear is gone, and that was a miracle.
The real challenge began after my life entered into the uncharted territory. Even though we signed a piece of paper that said we were committed, that did not guarantee anything. In the course of my studies, I realized that Peter and I had the same lessons to learn, and that was the reason we were attracted to each other. The true work is how to turn the special relationship to a holy relationship. It is simple but not easy at all. In the beginning, our old patterns of running away came back to visit often. After awhile, we both realized how silly and insane we had been. Gradually, we developed more trust for each other. As Paul and Jane always used to say, “It’s ourselves we must give trust, love and respect first before we can share it with others.”
So, there, since my understanding of love has deepened, my relationship with my parents also turned around. Not only do I appreciate them now, I dare to say I truly love them! Finally, I started to look for love in all the right places now. I see only their love, not their false. And that’s another miracle!
Most importantly, the relationship I have with myself is blossoming. I am much more authentic. Knowing that what others think is none of my business, I can go about mine without any quilt. I give because I want to, not to get. I am willing to meet people where they are at without judging…
“Have compassion for other person’s illusion!” says Paul always. I see myself giving that to others as well as to myself.
Jane also reminds us many times that Love is a way of seeing things. Whenever I think of that, my judgment on others diminishes. What can I not accept if I knew that we are all innocent and holy creation of God!
Thank you to Paul and Jane. Thank you all!